There are NO Madea's in my Family

Yes, I've actually had to say those words to quite a few people and that's the problem with Tyler Perry and Hollywood. I'm not sure if it's Hollywood or us as the supporting audience, but it seems as if only one Black anything is allowed to be hot at a time, and right now, Tyler Perry is hot. His movies gross millions, ($500 million to date),his book, Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings: Madea's Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life , reached number 1 on the New York Time's Best Seller list, he has not one, but two television shows on TBS, and he's done something that not many Black actors/producers/directors have ever been able to do: He's had crossover success! And while I would never hate on anyone's success or hustle, I often wonder if we (Black women in particular) are paying the price for his success. Far too often I've heard people (both Black and White) make references to Madea and expect me to respond in a knowing manner. In fact, I've heard Mr. Perry himself say on numerous occasions that there's a Madea in all Black families. But the truth of the matter is, there are no Madea's in my family. In fact, most of the characters in Mr. Perry's movies are completely foreign to me. All of the young women in my family are bright, ambitious, and motivated, not lost and looking for love like most of Mr. Perry's female characters. This may sound shocking, but NONE of the young men in my family have been to jail, and while they may not be angels, they're certainly not the woman beating, dead beat dad's so often portrayed in Tyler Perry films. And while my grandmother (may she forever rest in peace) was a force to be reckoned with, she was a far cry from Madea. My grandmother's strength did not come from her handgun or her ability to tackle grown men. Her strength came from her experience. If she saw you making a mistake she had made herself, she'd let you know before you did it. And if you went ahead and made that mistake anyway, she'd call you a fool, let you know that she told you so, and help you figure out how to fix it.

What Mr. Perry doesn't seem to realize is that far too often people believe that what they see on the big screen. And if I didn't know far too many awesome Black women, I would think we all hated men, were over bearing bitches, gold digging, single mothers, down on our luck and were the spawn of Madea. I would think that the majority of Black men are superficial, dead beat dads, that work blue collar jobs. Tyler Perry is in a very unique position: he's a Black man who can actually help shape the way Black families are viewed by non Black audiences. How dynamic would it be for his next films to feature successful Black women happily married to successful Black men and raising children that are ambitious and motivated? Or even single Black women that don't hate Black men and are enjoying life on the single circuit? My hope for 2012 is that Tyler Perry realizes what a powerful medium he has and uses it to help change some of the perceptions of Black women and the Black family...

Realizations

Over the past month or so I've had lots of realizations in both my personal and professional life. Some were quite obvious, (I absolutely cannot work in a cubicle or sit at a desk the majority of the day), others were surprising, (it takes a strong partner to stick it out when things aren't rosy)and some were hard learned, (not everyone can be the friend you expect or need them to be). One thing I've definitely learned, my spirit is not be to be tamed or contained and even the strongest people need a shoulder to cry on. Sorry it's been so long, it won't happen again :-)

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Do You Know That Means?

I was perusing Facebook recently when I came across a (semi) friend's status in which she was proudly proclaiming her independence. The comment thread was filled with comments from women all making similar proclamations. Me, being the inquisitive (aka nosy) person that I am couldn't help but click on a few of these "independent" women's pages and what I found was A. they all had children, B. they were all single and C. on Father's Day almost every single one of them had negative statuses referring to their child's absentee father. Eventually I made my way back to my friend's page and posed the question, what does it mean to be independent? The response: "I don't need no man, blah, blah, blah," that same tired man hating rhetoric that I have come to find both comical and quite troubling. So I posed another question, if your independence is dependent on your need of a man, or lack there of, are you truly independent? After a few more, "I don't need no man, " anthems I let it go but it definitely made me think. What exactly does it mean to be "independent?" It's a word we seem to throw out rather quickly and there's usually a certain amount of respect in being described as such...But what does it mean? According to Webbie, an independent woman is one who has her own house, her own job, two kids, no man, and is a bad broad. Well, I currently rent, have no kids, a wonderful partner, and while I have no problem referring to myself as bad as hell, there's just something about the word broad that may get you punched if you EVER refer to me as such (please don't test me on that one). So I guess that puts me out of the "Independent" category. So I ask again, what does it mean when we claim to be independent? Most women will say they're independent because they don't need a man for anything. Well, let me let the cat of the bag: men, partners, and spouses are not the be all end all of independence. My independence means that I'm able to what I need to do to accomplish what I need to accomplish and feel secure enough in making those decisions on my own. And the truth of the matter is, I've been that way for a long time. Long before I even noticed the opposite sex. My mom often jokes that I was born doing things my way, often times without first asking or getting her permission. She would make jokes about my, "strong will," and "inquisitive nature," but she was really quite supportive of my exerting my independence at a very young age. As long as I understood the consequences of my actions I had her full support. And that freedom fostered true independence. When I was 18 and decided to join the Air Force, there wasn't a family discussion around the table like you see on television. I came home and informed my mother that I would be leaving for basic training in August. That was in June. When I decided I was sick of relaxing my hair, I simply stopped. I didn't ask anyone for their opinion. I could go on and on about thousands of decisions I've made completely independent of anyone but there's no need. I will say that while I admire women who don't "need" a man for anything, let's keep it real ladies: the vast majority of us want and long for a happy, healthy, loving relationship. For all of my independence and ability to do for self, I must admit, it was nice to have a man around to save the day when I pulled the shower knob out of the wall and water was shooting all over the bathroom. And admitting so doesn't make me any less independent, it simply makes me human.

Muslims in America..

So I just read this awful story on CNN about Walid Shoebat, a man claiming to be an "ex-terrorist" touring the US to warn police officers and other city officials about the dangers of Muslims and Mosques in America. He claims to be a former Muslim and member of the PLO and allegedly firebombed an Israeli bank in Bethlehem. He also claims to have served time in an Israeli jail and absolutely none of this can be verified. What can be verified is the $500,000+ he brings in annually as our department of homeland security pays him for multiple engagements. Sounds a little fishy to me. Spreading fear and hate is bad enough. To turn your back on your people and capitalize from said fear and hate is absolutely atrocious! As a friend to many Muslims I'm so sick of the this anti-Muslim rhetoric and this is actually quite sickening. Yes, the 9/11 attacks were carried out by a group of extremist Muslims. And yes, that was a tragedy of epic proportions, but to continue to preach hate against our Muslim brothers and sisters 10 years later is shameful. How many wars have been fought in the name of Christianity? How many lives have been lost in that same name? How was this country founded? Hell, this country was built on the backs of slaves and wasn't slavery supposedly okay because the Bible said so? I'm not here to start a religious debate or cast stones at any one religion. I'm simply here to stand in solidarity with my Muslim brothers and sisters and say enough is enough.

I'm Sorry, does my Black Bother You?

Have you ever watched a co-worker do or say something, and thought to yourself, "I would probably get fired if I did that?" Or been asked your opinion and when you give it in a professional, respectful manner been called negative or aggressive? Have you been accused of not being a team player? Now look in the mirror. I bet your skin has enough melanin to classify you as a person of color. I've found that all too often in the workplace our non co-workers of color (aka White folk) are very quick to inscribe these negative attributes on the backs of their colored counterparts. I was once told that an email I sent asking if I could purchase bagels for my early a.m. meeting was aggressive. Mind you, I didn't use unnecessary capital letters or bold print. No exclamation marks or any other emoticon generally associated with being angry or aggressive. I simply asked a question and offered a few solutions only to be told a few weeks later that my email seemed angry. Seriously..I seemed angry about bagels. Sounds ridiculous right? Unfortunately I've heard of far too many similar experiences from my other Black and Brown working friends. We've been asked to share an opinion on ideas and later been told that our opinions are negative or that we are not team players because we choose to pass on beer and baseball outings. We've all watched our co-workers with Blonde hair and fair skin express similar opinions and be applauded for thinking outside of the box. Go figure. I've come to realize that my very presence in certain work environments can be quite intimidating. It doesn't matter that I laugh often and make sure I exchange at least one pleasantry with everyone daily. According to them I'm Black, so I must be angry about something. Of course, my cocoa skin comes in handy when they need a token to show their diversity, but the minute I open my mouth, I'm the "Angry Black Girl." I've found myself overcompensating to ensure I don't intimidate people. I use phrases like "okey dokey," and make sure I include stupid smiley faces on emails to make sure no one thinks I'm angry. When asked my opinion about something, if I don't agree I simply don't speak up. All of this extra work (for not nearly enough pay)is enough to actually drive a sista crazy! Am I the only one to experience incidental intimidation, solely based on skin color?

Leave My Womb Alone!!

It seems like every time I turn around my womb is being discussed in some form or another. Whether it's the House voting to strip Planned Parenthood of Federal Funds or Michelle Bachmann calling Planned Parenthood a "criminal enterprise," and threatening to outlaw abortion it seems like a woman's right to choose has become great fodder for public debate. And then there's the constant defending of my choice to not become a mother at this stage in my life. When did a woman's right to choose become a public debate? We all know that Roe v. Wade affirmed a woman's right to choose to abort a pregnancy, but now it seems like we have to defend our choice to not get pregnant in the first place. If I had a dollar for every time I had to explain to people why I don't have kids yet, I could probably give Sallie Mae at least half of the cash I owe her. The truth of the matter is, I love kids and can't wait to start my family, but it seems as though the increase of baby mamas and baby daddy's has diminished the importance of having a nuclear family. Blame it on my mama, but I still believe in marriage before children. For years she not so subtly let me know that I better not bring home any children without bringing home a husband and for all the things that didn't stick...that did. My decision to remain kid free before marriage isn't a knock to the many wonderful single moms out there doing it. I was raised by a wonderful woman who played the roles of mommy, daddy, and sibling (yes I am an only child) and I know some extremely hardworking single women who are raising our future Queens and Kings. And while raising a child is probably the most gratifying job in the world, it's also the hardest. I look back on my own childhood with amazement at how my mom managed to move us out of LA and into the suburbs, yet still battle LA traffic to make sure she was home in time for school recitals and award ceremonies. She made sure I had at least one fan at every basketball game and she wiped away my tears when someone or something disappointed me to the point of crying. She made all of it look so easy, but trust me, she let it be known that single parenthood was the hardest thing she had ever done. And that's one of the many reasons I have yet to bear children. While I'm all for independence, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a partner to share that responsibility with. And call me crazy, but I want to have one last name in my household. I have a friend that was with her boyfriend for almost 10 years and had two children before she decided to marry him for that very reason. And then there's the whole financial responsibility that comes along with children. Unless my dear Auntie Sallie Mae starts taking diapers and formula as payments, my current financial situation does not allow room for children. I was seven with a passport and want to provide a similar lifestyle for my children. Funny, but even my dear mom has jumped on the, "When are you going to have a baby?" bandwagon. I would share my real answer with her but I can't be held to deadlines when it comes to my womb (soon mommy, I promise). Bottom line is, I can go on and on about my decision to not have kids right now, but I shouldn't have to. Parenthood should be a joy, not something a woman should feel forced into by society.

Black, Educated....and Broke

I, like the majority of my friends have a college degree from a pretty good school. Most of my friends even have secondary degrees which I too plan on one day getting. I'm just as well rounded, if not more than most. I am a military veteran, was a student leader in college, and was even a member of a month long human rights delegation in Rwanda. Finding a great job after college was supposed to be a breeze. But here's something else that almost all of my friends have in common: we are Black, Educated, and BROKE! Yes, the majority of us are employed, but in this economy it's harder than ever for recent college graduates to get a foot in the door with these high paying companies. It used to be simple. Go to college, get a great internship, and at the end of your internship, the company realized how awesome you are and offered you a nice paid position. Unfortunately in today's economy so many companies are barely staying afloat and free work is really their only option. So where does that leave those of us with the unfortunate circumstance of being a recent college graduate? Well, most of us are working in jobs where we're barely able to pay rent, bills, and dear ol' Aunt Sallie Mae. CNN recently ran a story aptly titled, "My degree isn't worth the debt!" and quite frankly, I agree. A college classmate of mine and I always refer to our degrees as, "The most expensive piece of paper we've ever bought," because that's all it's been to us thus far. Will I admit that having a college degree helped get my foot in the door at my current and previous employers? Absolutely! But I'll also admit that I've only worked for small non profits with salaries that barely cover the monthly cost of that degree. And quite frankly, I have not done anything in my professional career that I don't think I could have done without this private college education. Leaving the non profit world and going corporate isn't quite so easy these days either. With so many people competing for so few jobs, unless you have at least 5 years of experience in that new field, don't even bother applying. And that's for an entry level salary barely above what I make now. Between the recently laid off, who may have 10 years plus experience, and other recent graduates, it's pretty competitive out there. I'm not saying we should start telling our youth not to go to college, but as a former youth worker I was and continue to be extremely honest with the young people in my life. College is a major financial undertaking and whether you graduate or not, Sallie Mae and the Department of Education are going to want their money six months after you leave that campus. And although I know that my college education was in investment in my future, I am definitely not living the adult life I imagined. Frivolous shopping, last minute travel, and regular happy hours are for now, things of the past. Rather than living like Carrie Bradshaw, I am living like a recent college graduate with massive debt. I am (impatiently) counting down the days until I make that December loan payment so I can throw these bad boys back into deferment...and go back to school. I know it's crazy but I still haven't abandoned the idea of getting my Master's Degree and in turn getting an awesome job doing what I love and finally making enough money to not have to worry. Until then, I will continue to be Black, Educated, Broke....and FABULOUS!!

Check out Default: the Student Loan Documentary if you still need some light shed on this growing situation: