What's Your Number

You meet a man and after a few weeks of dating bliss he pops the question...No not that question. He asks you how many sexual partners you've had. What do you do? Do you lie and leave a few of those escapades out? Do you answer honestly and hope that your "number" isn't too high for him? I'm pretty sure we've all seen the trailer for What's Your Number? the romantic comedy staring Anna Faris, a woman determined to track down all 20 of the men she's had relationships with to figure out what went wrong. I'm sure the story puts quite an entertaining spin on what can be a very awkward situation. The truth of the matter is, I was once asked about my sexual partners by my then boyfriend. Although my "number" wasn't very high, I knew it was higher than his so I lied. Back then, I wasn't sure why I felt the need to lie, but looking back, I realize I was afraid of him judging me based on a few youthful indiscretions. And let's be honest, as women we are taught not to be like, "those girls," or "loose." It's one of those absurd double standards placed on the female gender by society. A man can have as many sexual "conquests" as he likes while us women are barely allowed to publicly acknowledge that we enjoy sex, let alone actually admit that we've had more than a few partners. As I've gotten older and more comfortable in my sexual skin I no longer feel the need to lie about the number of partners I've had; however not only do I refuse to answer the question if asked, I also refuse to ask others. It doesn't matter to me how many women my partner has been with in his past, all that matters to me is that I'm his present and future. Happy, healthy relationships shouldn't focus on past partners but should focus on being safe! The only thing I want to know about your past is when was your last test and when are we going together. Once that's been established, there's noting sexier than a couple exploring sex without limits :-).

Let Chaz Bono Dance!

Dear One Million Moms.com

This firestorm you're creating over Dancing with the Stars' decision to cast Chaz Bono on the show is one of the most ridiculous and disgusting things I've heard in a while..And from a group of mothers no less!! First off, let me let you in on something: Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgendered and Transsexual people exist and guess what else...Some of them are even your children! Yep, little Ricky that's sitting across from you at the breakfast table right now has a crush on his school's quarterback. Your daughter Kim feels trapped in the wrong body and may be contemplating suicide because she feels alone and unsupported by her narrow minded, bigoted mom. And for you moms who don't have children that struggle with issues of sexuality and gender let me let you in on something too: Watching Chaz Bono on DWTS is NOT going to "turn them" gay or bi-sexual or have them signing up for gender reassignment surgery. What stories like those of Chaz Bono and Janet Mock can do is open up a healthy dialogue on these issues. It can show those kids (and adults) who are struggling with their own sexuality and gender identity that there are people out there who have felt exactly how they feel and they survived. It can teach kids who are lucky enough to not have to deal with this struggle how to open their hearts to those kids at school who get teased constantly for their perceived sexuality. And most importantly, watching Chaz Bono dance his heart out just may prevent a kid who feels alone and trapped in a body that doesn't quite fit them, from ending their life. Rather than chastising Chaz, you as a group of moms, should be applauding his extraordinary bravery. He did something that so many others weren't able to, and he did it under the scrutiny of the public eye. Thank goodness he has a wonderful, loving, supportive mom in Cher and not one of you because if he were your son we just may be talking about yet another life ended rather than celebrating what his life has become.

There are NO Madea's in my Family

Yes, I've actually had to say those words to quite a few people and that's the problem with Tyler Perry and Hollywood. I'm not sure if it's Hollywood or us as the supporting audience, but it seems as if only one Black anything is allowed to be hot at a time, and right now, Tyler Perry is hot. His movies gross millions, ($500 million to date),his book, Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings: Madea's Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life , reached number 1 on the New York Time's Best Seller list, he has not one, but two television shows on TBS, and he's done something that not many Black actors/producers/directors have ever been able to do: He's had crossover success! And while I would never hate on anyone's success or hustle, I often wonder if we (Black women in particular) are paying the price for his success. Far too often I've heard people (both Black and White) make references to Madea and expect me to respond in a knowing manner. In fact, I've heard Mr. Perry himself say on numerous occasions that there's a Madea in all Black families. But the truth of the matter is, there are no Madea's in my family. In fact, most of the characters in Mr. Perry's movies are completely foreign to me. All of the young women in my family are bright, ambitious, and motivated, not lost and looking for love like most of Mr. Perry's female characters. This may sound shocking, but NONE of the young men in my family have been to jail, and while they may not be angels, they're certainly not the woman beating, dead beat dad's so often portrayed in Tyler Perry films. And while my grandmother (may she forever rest in peace) was a force to be reckoned with, she was a far cry from Madea. My grandmother's strength did not come from her handgun or her ability to tackle grown men. Her strength came from her experience. If she saw you making a mistake she had made herself, she'd let you know before you did it. And if you went ahead and made that mistake anyway, she'd call you a fool, let you know that she told you so, and help you figure out how to fix it.

What Mr. Perry doesn't seem to realize is that far too often people believe that what they see on the big screen. And if I didn't know far too many awesome Black women, I would think we all hated men, were over bearing bitches, gold digging, single mothers, down on our luck and were the spawn of Madea. I would think that the majority of Black men are superficial, dead beat dads, that work blue collar jobs. Tyler Perry is in a very unique position: he's a Black man who can actually help shape the way Black families are viewed by non Black audiences. How dynamic would it be for his next films to feature successful Black women happily married to successful Black men and raising children that are ambitious and motivated? Or even single Black women that don't hate Black men and are enjoying life on the single circuit? My hope for 2012 is that Tyler Perry realizes what a powerful medium he has and uses it to help change some of the perceptions of Black women and the Black family...

Realizations

Over the past month or so I've had lots of realizations in both my personal and professional life. Some were quite obvious, (I absolutely cannot work in a cubicle or sit at a desk the majority of the day), others were surprising, (it takes a strong partner to stick it out when things aren't rosy)and some were hard learned, (not everyone can be the friend you expect or need them to be). One thing I've definitely learned, my spirit is not be to be tamed or contained and even the strongest people need a shoulder to cry on. Sorry it's been so long, it won't happen again :-)

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Do You Know That Means?

I was perusing Facebook recently when I came across a (semi) friend's status in which she was proudly proclaiming her independence. The comment thread was filled with comments from women all making similar proclamations. Me, being the inquisitive (aka nosy) person that I am couldn't help but click on a few of these "independent" women's pages and what I found was A. they all had children, B. they were all single and C. on Father's Day almost every single one of them had negative statuses referring to their child's absentee father. Eventually I made my way back to my friend's page and posed the question, what does it mean to be independent? The response: "I don't need no man, blah, blah, blah," that same tired man hating rhetoric that I have come to find both comical and quite troubling. So I posed another question, if your independence is dependent on your need of a man, or lack there of, are you truly independent? After a few more, "I don't need no man, " anthems I let it go but it definitely made me think. What exactly does it mean to be "independent?" It's a word we seem to throw out rather quickly and there's usually a certain amount of respect in being described as such...But what does it mean? According to Webbie, an independent woman is one who has her own house, her own job, two kids, no man, and is a bad broad. Well, I currently rent, have no kids, a wonderful partner, and while I have no problem referring to myself as bad as hell, there's just something about the word broad that may get you punched if you EVER refer to me as such (please don't test me on that one). So I guess that puts me out of the "Independent" category. So I ask again, what does it mean when we claim to be independent? Most women will say they're independent because they don't need a man for anything. Well, let me let the cat of the bag: men, partners, and spouses are not the be all end all of independence. My independence means that I'm able to what I need to do to accomplish what I need to accomplish and feel secure enough in making those decisions on my own. And the truth of the matter is, I've been that way for a long time. Long before I even noticed the opposite sex. My mom often jokes that I was born doing things my way, often times without first asking or getting her permission. She would make jokes about my, "strong will," and "inquisitive nature," but she was really quite supportive of my exerting my independence at a very young age. As long as I understood the consequences of my actions I had her full support. And that freedom fostered true independence. When I was 18 and decided to join the Air Force, there wasn't a family discussion around the table like you see on television. I came home and informed my mother that I would be leaving for basic training in August. That was in June. When I decided I was sick of relaxing my hair, I simply stopped. I didn't ask anyone for their opinion. I could go on and on about thousands of decisions I've made completely independent of anyone but there's no need. I will say that while I admire women who don't "need" a man for anything, let's keep it real ladies: the vast majority of us want and long for a happy, healthy, loving relationship. For all of my independence and ability to do for self, I must admit, it was nice to have a man around to save the day when I pulled the shower knob out of the wall and water was shooting all over the bathroom. And admitting so doesn't make me any less independent, it simply makes me human.

Muslims in America..

So I just read this awful story on CNN about Walid Shoebat, a man claiming to be an "ex-terrorist" touring the US to warn police officers and other city officials about the dangers of Muslims and Mosques in America. He claims to be a former Muslim and member of the PLO and allegedly firebombed an Israeli bank in Bethlehem. He also claims to have served time in an Israeli jail and absolutely none of this can be verified. What can be verified is the $500,000+ he brings in annually as our department of homeland security pays him for multiple engagements. Sounds a little fishy to me. Spreading fear and hate is bad enough. To turn your back on your people and capitalize from said fear and hate is absolutely atrocious! As a friend to many Muslims I'm so sick of the this anti-Muslim rhetoric and this is actually quite sickening. Yes, the 9/11 attacks were carried out by a group of extremist Muslims. And yes, that was a tragedy of epic proportions, but to continue to preach hate against our Muslim brothers and sisters 10 years later is shameful. How many wars have been fought in the name of Christianity? How many lives have been lost in that same name? How was this country founded? Hell, this country was built on the backs of slaves and wasn't slavery supposedly okay because the Bible said so? I'm not here to start a religious debate or cast stones at any one religion. I'm simply here to stand in solidarity with my Muslim brothers and sisters and say enough is enough.

I'm Sorry, does my Black Bother You?

Have you ever watched a co-worker do or say something, and thought to yourself, "I would probably get fired if I did that?" Or been asked your opinion and when you give it in a professional, respectful manner been called negative or aggressive? Have you been accused of not being a team player? Now look in the mirror. I bet your skin has enough melanin to classify you as a person of color. I've found that all too often in the workplace our non co-workers of color (aka White folk) are very quick to inscribe these negative attributes on the backs of their colored counterparts. I was once told that an email I sent asking if I could purchase bagels for my early a.m. meeting was aggressive. Mind you, I didn't use unnecessary capital letters or bold print. No exclamation marks or any other emoticon generally associated with being angry or aggressive. I simply asked a question and offered a few solutions only to be told a few weeks later that my email seemed angry. Seriously..I seemed angry about bagels. Sounds ridiculous right? Unfortunately I've heard of far too many similar experiences from my other Black and Brown working friends. We've been asked to share an opinion on ideas and later been told that our opinions are negative or that we are not team players because we choose to pass on beer and baseball outings. We've all watched our co-workers with Blonde hair and fair skin express similar opinions and be applauded for thinking outside of the box. Go figure. I've come to realize that my very presence in certain work environments can be quite intimidating. It doesn't matter that I laugh often and make sure I exchange at least one pleasantry with everyone daily. According to them I'm Black, so I must be angry about something. Of course, my cocoa skin comes in handy when they need a token to show their diversity, but the minute I open my mouth, I'm the "Angry Black Girl." I've found myself overcompensating to ensure I don't intimidate people. I use phrases like "okey dokey," and make sure I include stupid smiley faces on emails to make sure no one thinks I'm angry. When asked my opinion about something, if I don't agree I simply don't speak up. All of this extra work (for not nearly enough pay)is enough to actually drive a sista crazy! Am I the only one to experience incidental intimidation, solely based on skin color?